This has been an extremely hard subject to put into words.
It may look like I’m the happiest person in the world from the outside, but I have my bad days just like everyone else. I’ve debated posting about this for a while but eventually I have decided that it’s much more important for people with anxiety or depression to know that they aren’t alone than it is to hide my issues from the world, so here goes…
It’s easy to tell yourself that everything is fine. It’s easy to tell yourself that you don’t care about the little things. It’s so easy to try and convince yourself that certain things don’t matter, and you should just move on and forget about the way you feel….
But you don’t forget. And you don’t move on. You bury it under layers of smiles and fake “I’m fines.” And eventually it shoots out of you like lava and takes over your life and makes the people around you take a step back, and wonder where all of this is suddenly coming from.
Sometimes it starts SO SMALL. With something someone says to you in passing, or maybe a conversation you had in the past with a friend or a lover. And then you dwell on it. You overthink it. You stew on it until a small comment morphs into something earth shattering. All of a sudden, stress turns into anxiety and anxiety turns into depression. Before you know it, you’re questioning everything and you just want to curl up and disappear. It happens fast, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do to stop it from creeping up on you.
I’ve been struggling with overwhelming and crippling anxiety and depression since I was young. The hardest part about it: I had no idea what I was dealing with when I was younger. I had no idea why I felt the way that I felt. I didn’t understand why I had these abrupt mood swings; I was upset constantly, and didn’t know how to handle my emotions. It’s taken me over 15 years to pinpoint and deal with my issues. I’ve been through the ringer with ex boyfriends constantly telling me “YOU’RE CRAZY”… am I crazy because I have feelings?! Absolutely not. I might handle them differently, but that doesn’t make me CRAZY.
Trying to explain to someone who doesn’t have anxiety, what anxiety feels like, is almost impossible. It’s like all of a sudden, the world closes in on you, everything is tight, you can’t breathe. And then steps in the depression? The world is suddenly dark, and you can’t find the light no matter how hard you try. Put the two together and it feels like a recipe for failure.
Any person who can battle one, LET ALONE TWO, of these issues is SO INCREDIBLY STRONG. The mood swings, the judgement and the way people make you feel about yourself… it’s all so hard to deal with. You are not alone. There are so many people dealing with these same issues. NEVER let anyone make you feel crazy for feeling the way that you feel. You do not deserve to be called crazy, you deserve to be SUPPORTED AND LOVED. Surrounding yourself with people who understand is so important. Explaining to your loved ones how you feel is even more important.
When you hit rock bottom, which for me happens often, take a second to think about what truly makes YOU happy. It might feel right at the time to stay in bed, to wallow in your worry and sadness…. but that will never remedy the situation. It will only make you feel worse. Sometimes it feels impossible to break out of your comfort zone, but I’ve found that’s the one thing that will make you feel better. Going into nature, taking a hike or a swim, doing something that makes me feel empowered and strong, ven grabbing my favorite coffee and walking around a botanical garden has been known to do the trick.
All in all- this is a battle that will continue. It won’t just go away. The most important thing to remember is that, and I’ll repeat this once again- YOU are NOT alone. When you’re feeling low, reach out to someone. Stay positive. I know its easier said than done, but hold your head high, and remember that this too shall pass. Slowly but surely you can fight these feelings and move on, because tomorrow is a brand new day, and this is your journey.
Please- If you feel comfortable doing so, take a minute to comment below… As always, I would love to hear your feedback, especially if you can relate to this post!